“Let’s DO the Damn Thing”
Literally every single news outlet since Becca was announced as The Bachelorette…
Honestly I’m most upset with Arie – NOT because he pulled a “Mesnick” – but because his senseless actions as The Bachelor kickstarted a domino effect that landed us with Becca as The Bachelorette. UGH. I know that sounds mean & it’s not that I don’t like Becca – she’s sweet & all – it’s just that much like Colton, I was also really looking forward to watching a fiery, feisty Tia enter into a televised polyamorous love story with 25 of Instagram’s next Male Influencers. Side Note: is anyone else just as perplexed as I am that The Bachelor producers still bother with adding the contestants’ careers to their bios? We all know they’re actually in it for a flourishing career in teeth whitener endorsements & tea sales with a side of free Coachella tickets & Podcasting. Sorry to sound bitter but it’s just that I’m super jealous of these contestants because I would actually kill for a reality tv platform for the sole purpose of boosting my blogger readership. Translation: I most definitely would never under any circumstances be there for the “Right Reasons“. Oh well, I’ll just have to rely on mediocre talent & hard work for now – so annoying – these contestant are some seriously lucky friggin’ ducks… I digress. Side Note over.
The Bachelorette Recap – Episode Two
First Group Date:
“Before you put your panty hose or your shoes on…put your confidence on.”
Honestly what did we do as a collective whole to be blessed with the gift that is Jordan AKA the Love Child of Robby Hayes/Dean. I feel like his words of wisdom or “Jordanisms” may be the sole preserver that will keep me afloat through what I predict is going to be an otherwise overly “meh” season. I’m honestly not sure if he’s in on the joke & doing whatever it takes to seek out that sweet, sweet Insta-Fame or if he truly behaves this way IRL. Either way… I’m very much here for it. Also – the above quote is straight fire & will now be my new daily affirmation. Not joking.
In true Bachelor fashion, the producers begin the first group date of the season by desperately parading around what little true success stories they still have left within the franchise. In this particular instance it’s Rachel & Brian who are forced through contractual obligation
Everyone seems to be sups annoyed that Lincoln cheated his way through that obstacle course; it’s as if they actually believe that Becca will base one of the most important decisions of her life, an engagement/husband, on who can eat cake without their hands fast enough. Connor is particularly affected that he had to stay in the ice water for two seconds longer than Lincoln & he makes this very clear when he hurls Lincoln’s prize photo into the pool in staunch retaliation. That’ll show ’em Connor...
In a completely surprising & mind blowing twist… this actually DOES “show” Lincoln, who proceeds to spend the remainder of the group date weeping over a now waterlogged photo. I mean I’m sure it ‘s well within The Bachlorette’s budget to have the photo re-printed & re-framed so I think that we can all move on safely from this incident.
Becca is understandably frustrated because it’s now clear that she is dealing with a bunch of man children.
One on One with Blake:
Ok… enough with the Arie references. WE GET IT! I understand that it’s been quite some time since we’ve had a Bachelor/ette that comes with a perfectly packaged “tragic love story” but do the producers really need to continuously
shove it down our throats remind all of America/Canada why we should be rooting for her as The Bachelorette?
The fact that the premise of this date was designed to enable Becca to move forward & deal with past heartbreak is just odd. I feel like the notorious “smashing of your ex’s belongings” event should have happened a few months ago over exactly three bottles of vino, a vintage Taylor Swift soundtrack & with three of her closest girlfriends – not on a first date with a man that could potentially be her fiance in like 6 weeks time. Isn’t it like the golden rule to never discuss an ex on a first date?
Anyways, regardless of the nature of this date I actually really like Blake & Becca together… he seems super genuine & modest & thus far their relationship feels very natural & if he doesn’t win the whole “damn thing” then I vote for him as the next Bachelor – unless Robby/Dean’s name is ever on the table. In which case I will always vote for him to be The Bachelor. No explanation required.
Second Group Date:
I have two questions about this group date:
- Leo can you please give us a detailed step-by-step guide of your haircare regimen in its entirety?
- Can these emotionally charged children please be present for every group date moving forward?
Aside from these two inquisitions – of which it is imperative that I receive answers for – I honestly really don’t have much else to say about this date. I never truly feel that invested in any of the contestants until we get to episode 4ish… up until then it’s pretty much a big ol’ snooze fest for me. Although judging by next week’s sneak peak it appears as though we’re getting the quintessential “ambulance” episode a little earlier on in the season than expected. So that should be interesting. The biggest question I have about this is to what level or degree of disappointment will we feel when the sneak peak doesn’t live up to its hype?
Robby/Dean is life. Please never leave this franchise.
See you same time next week?