Bachelorette Recap: Questionable Geographical Belief Systems

Apologies for not live-recapping The Bachelorette on my Instagram Stories this past week, but honestly I was far too lazy & in no state to utilize my brain cells to their full capacity – it’s hard work being moderately hilarious. Also this is my not-so-subtle attempt to force you into physically clicking on my blog link instead of merely watching the Stories because “marketing” – duh. I require your views to keep doing what I’m doing so thank-you all for not being lazy this week & actually reading the recap ;). Just remember, Readers are Leaders guys – snaps for whoever invented that slogan. Anyways, let’s delve in shall we? 

Rose Ceremony

Omg I already hate this episode.

I literally can’t when an episode begins with a Rose Ceremony, it seriously screws with my psyche as a viewer in the worst way possible & throws off the entire equilibrium of the show. Thankfully this nightmare only lasts like .2 seconds before the powers that be – AKA Bachelor Producers – restore opposing storyline forces & all is balanced & well again.

Don’t ask me who went home because I couldn’t even tell you if a gun was pointed to my head.

One-on-One

UGH. I am so frickin’ mad at Garrett because I could not have loved this date more – it was like “gag me with a spoon” type of cute – & Producers have tricked me into obsessing over them as a couple. BLAST. I literally hate being manipulated… even more so when I am fully aware that it’s happening. Methinks the Producers/Editors are working in overdrive to carefully craft a perfectly curated love story between the two of them in order to induce widespread viewer amnesia, making us all forget about his past “Insta Discretions” because I think that he is going FAR you guys!!!

We then cut to Lincoln – ABCs’ other casting disaster of the season – who declares that the world is flat. What’s worse is that I can’t believe that his questionable geographical belief systems & floor pooping antics are not even his worst quality. If you don’t know what I’m referring to then click here & prepare to despise this man because he is the actual WORST.

Moving on to the remainder of the one-on-one date with Garrett – it’s the quintessential “awkwardly slow dance to a country song on top of a pedestal surrounded by hundreds of paid extras adoring fans” date that we’ve all grown to know & hate from the franchise. All ends well, Garrett gets the rose… moving on! 

Group Date

I’m sure the Producers were literally salivating over this Chicken David & Robby/Dean drama; which is so obviously being perfectly massaged into an epic two-on-one. I for one am counting down the milliseconds until this happens solely because I can’t WAIT for the nonsensical “Jordansims” that Robby/Dean will undoubtedly spew throughout the date’s entirety. Judging by the previews I believe that this will be happening next week which makes me happy because although I love the dramz now, if it continues any longer I know that I’ll be very much over this storyline.

Other notable things that happened on this group date: a man that I’m one hundred percent certain has literally not been on this show until this episode has won the Lumber Jack obstacle game thingy & Becca states that as a teen she wasn’t obsessing over boybands but Lumber Jacks which is definitely not a true statement. OMG wait – I forgot about the Jean Blanc fiasco. Thoughts: I was not as much bothered by him telling her what he thought she wanted to hear as much as I was appalled that he had the balls to ask for his perfume back. LOL. So tacky… MOVING ON.

One-on-One

Wait I actually NEED to move to Park City, Utah! Literally everything that happened on this one-on-one is my dream come true  & Wills is actually so super cute! I’m sad that I don’t think he will be making it very far but happy that I think he will be in Paradise this summer! Yay Wills! I’m so rooting for you on BIP!

Rose Ceremony

I actually don’t recall who went home this episode. Clearly I wasn’t emotionally impacted by it.

Same time next week?!

Brit

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